I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
