I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
