just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
