dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
