just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
