Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
