you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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