closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think my moral compass just broke
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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