So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
