I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize