After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
