just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize