Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
