im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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