I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
