i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
