I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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