You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
