There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
