I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
