Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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