I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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