a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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