my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
