textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
