Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize