I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
