just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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