He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
