Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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