This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Lo siento on account of my penis...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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