When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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