I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
