good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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