I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
