would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
