dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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