my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Found the puke drawer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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