idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
