Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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