I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
