Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
