I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
