New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
