Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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