wrigley field is MILF paradise
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
