I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
