around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
