So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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