I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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