I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
