There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
