if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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