I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
