God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
