I'm jealous of your bromance
barbara walters just said penis...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
