she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can you bring me the toilet please
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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