could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
