The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
