the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
