That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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