after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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