Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I will pee on everything he values.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
